A father's final post

Pre Script
“Lighten Up” was written prior to Elena’s “Celebration” and essentially was written in one sitting, quickly and with no editing. The intent was that it would be posted fairly quickly and closely following the Celebration, but this was not to be. Given the length of Elena’s hospitalization and then the numbness of planning and getting through her celebration it was inevitable that we would have expressing what we were going through. But the finality of it all brought our family to our knees in the days following her passing.

While the finality of the loss is still there, we are slowly finding a way to deal with it and still function. This is especially true because of our son Frankie who is mad because he didn’t get to say goodbye. All I can think to say to him is, “me too buddy.”

Please read “Lighten Up,” and if you are up to it, watch the multi-media presentation.


Lighten Up
Like all parents, I thought I knew my daughter well. But I’m learning so much more about her through this process. Until the final week of her life, I typed up my comments for her blog and Melissa posted them. I really didn’t visit the site and was unaware of the comments that were being posted by so many people. When I discovered they were there I read through them and I found a common theme. So many messages started with, “I didn’t know Elena well,” or “I hadn’t known Elena for long,” but her spirit and enthusiasm for life had inspired them.

With all of the time I spent over the weeks at the hospital I was able to read most of a full collection of Ernest Hemmingway’s short stories. It allowed me to read for distraction between visits to her bedside, yet not be tied to a long book that my attention span was not capable of processing.

After reading all of the comments on Elena’s Blog, I came to the realization that most of us live our lives like a novel. There are many predictable chapters as we wind our way through life. Of course there are marriages, births and even deaths. Predictably there are several chapters for work accomplishments and perhaps an award or two. There is an order, for most of us a fairly predictable order, to the various stages of life. While reading through the many comments by her friends I came to understand that Elena lived her life like a collection of short stories.

She would meet new people, this doesn’t mean boyfriends, it means people, and for a short period of time have an intense relationship and then move on. While she never forgot any of these people, and she always attempted to maintain contact, she was on to writing a new story but never a chapter.

Of course with everything in life there were exceptions. Elena had a core group of life friends that she always stayed in constant contact with. Without surprise, this small collection of life friends was made up of those that accepted Elena for who she was and embraced her free spirit. From them I expect nothing less than that they will be the ones to continue to help us through this life-altering loss. They will always be a part of our family, and we want to celebrate the chapters of their books as they are being written. So keep the wedding invitations, birth announcements and other life celebrations coming.

“Lighten Up Dad” was always Elena’s message to me. While I don’t believe a parent and child could be closer, we did have our differences. The one area where we were the most different was being responsible, and I have to admit that this was a conflict between us for the past few months. Please understand that I have no regrets, it was my job as her father to guide her in life, but Elena would have none of it.

Looking back some people are just meant to burn so bright you can’t look into the light for very long, and that was Elena. The brightest light in our family has gone out forever but she will never be forgotten.

So, for those of you that expressed that you would have loved to have gotten to know Elena better, don’t dwell on it because that just wasn’t her. You were allowed to stand in her light and draw energy from it, but only for as long as your short story was being written. The fault was never yours; it was just Elena’s way.

I can safely say that Elena’s final message to all of us would be to “lighten up”. There is nothing wrong with being career driven, but remember that all that really matters are family, the friends we have, the people we love, the goodness in our hearts and the memories that we share.

God is fully aware of just how much goodness she had and he brought that bright light back to be with him. We will all miss her and for most of you that memory will fade with time. This is OK for it is the natural order. However, for her family and core life friends I know that she changed us for life and I say to you, and ask you to remind me, to lighten up because above all that is what she would have wanted.

Thank you all for your support to her family during this life altering loss.

Daddy


Post Script
This Blog has taken on a life far beyond anything that I could ever have imagined.

I’ve stated a few times that we would be taking the Blog down but I am learning that there are many people who have drawn strength and meaning from it. I’m not making any decisions now but we may try and find some forum for other families suffering through similar circumstances and include all of this for them by continuing to make it available.

In closing there are some people who I would like to personally thank.

My wife Mary carried the weight of this horrific process by making it easy for me to be at the hospital every day. She put her grief aside to allow me to grieve while she was every bit a parent to Elena as I was. She is the rock that my life is built on.

Then there is my niece Cheri who is a nurse and was our translator throughout this process. Talking to doctors is only slightly more understandable than some obscure Amazonian dialect and Cheri helped us through this while also being her normal wonderful and loving person.

My sisters Connie and Lynne carried me on their backs as well, all while dealing with their own fears and grief. They are the best and no man could ever have better sisters.

My other two daughters, Melissa and Laura, propped me up throughout and were by my side at the end. Laura………. We’ve shared a great deal but having you there throughout was a level of comfort that I could never express. And Melissa what can I say? Having you on the phone several times a day and there at the end meant so much. A father couldn’t be prouder of whom all of his children have become, each so different but consistent in your compassion and love of family. I have a legacy that would be the envy of any father.

Finally, there is my best friend Stan, who is coincidently also my boss. The luckiest day of my life was the day you hired me 16 years ago for that one-year project. Your witness and faith in God have been an inspiration and your steadfastness and caring mean more than I could ever express.

There are so many others that I can’t begin to recognize you all so I’ll just have to say thank you until we meet in person where I will expect a huge hug.

Thank you all.

Ron