Sunday, July 26, 2009

Thoughts from a big sister

I awoke this morning, and for a moment I hadn’t remembered what was going on. For that brief moment, all was right with the world. And then I opened my eyes and saw that I was in my dad’s house – in the bottom bed of my little brother’s bunk beds with his Spiderman clock above my head (which any other time would be comical). And for a moment, I was just here visiting. And then I really opened my eyes and saw a closet full of my sister’s clothes, and I remembered. I was immediately aware once more of why I’m here. And I cried.

Then I started to thumb through the clothes in that closet, and I saw clothes I recognized – not from seeing her wearing them in person, but seeing pictures she posted online that I viewed from afar. For as many years as I can remember, I have watched my sister live her life from miles away. And in that instant, it felt more wrong than I can even express. As I thumbed through the closet, I saw dresses she wore on a night out on the town and then there it was - the dress she wore for my wedding last summer, the last time we were all together, long before all of this started.

I don’t know how it feels as a parent to watch your child go through this, but I know as a big sister – someone who is supposed to have all the answers – there’s an overwhelming sense of helplessness. I’m the one who is supposed to have the advice and the answers. And right now I have none of either.

1 comment:

  1. Melissa
    Being a part of Elena's life, means having her in your heart and your thoughts. Logistics made it impossible for you to share in person in the day to day goings on with her BUT NEVER doubt for a moment that she knew her big sisters were there every step of the way. You supported her then and you are supporting her now and standing by her. My love to all Mommy